"Explain to me the patterns of your romantic relationships." These words coming out of the mouth of my counselor (let's say her name is Abigail) after I had just told her about my fear of vulnerability.
I explained to her that the same vicious cycle happens with every guy; they flirt with me in a teasing way and I do the same to them but that is as far as it goes. No depth. No vulnerability. Just surface level banter until either of us gets bored and moves to the next person.
Both breathing in the oxygen that is attention and once the smoke that is commitment comes, we choke and reach for new fresh air.
Abigail then brought up the guy that this is happening with currently and in frustration I said, "Its like he's opening the door just a crack but not inviting me in." This metaphor was an epiphany gold mine I had stepped on. I realized that all my life I have been standing outside guys' doors that are either left open just a crack or open & close over and over again. But I stay there, outside the door thriving off the game their playing with me and the attention their giving me. In reality, if you went to someones house and they kept opening and shutting the door, any normal person would leave. If the door was only slightly opened to them but not welcoming them in, they wouldn't stay there on the welcome mat, they would either leave or ask if their going to be let in.
Abigail then asked if I had ever gone into an open door and I quickly realized that I don't even approach open doors... I'm scared of them. Im scared of letting people in and being let in... because behind all the butterflies and fuzzy feelings is hard work and two sinful human hearts sharpening each other like iron. A man seeing my sin and me seeing theirs? No thank you. I walk right past their door to the doors that are cracked open; just enough to give me the attention I want but not the hurt that comes with vulnerability.
The truth is, I have been ignoring the one Man's door that matters... the door that will satisfy my scared, timid, and attention seeking heart: Jesus' door. I know it's there and that its open but more often than not I choose not to go to it because I tell myself the lie that surface level relationships are easier than facing the relationship with the Creator of my soul who will surface all the pain and hurt that I've experienced. I want someone who will give me a bandaid rather than going into a procedure and letting the surgeon take out the cancer. I want attention rather than real love that involves commitment, vulnerability and intimacy.
I know so many girls (and guys too) experience this. And if thats you, my intention in sharing this is to say I understand and am right there with you. You aren't alone. By God's grace you have the freedom and strength (in Him) to walk away from doors that aren't open and welcoming. The Creator of the universe has His door wide open waiting for you to walk in and lay down your burdens.
I pray that as you listen to this song the truth would wash over you and sink deep into your heart. That you would come to believe it as I am coming to believe it. You were made to be loved by Him, and my hope is that you would accept that love and not reject it.